i've been having bad dreams about alie, that i am yelling at her and telling her how much i hate her. but i don't hate her, just disappointed, but i think she will grow out of it.

we almost ate at the most disgusting restaurant tonight we ordered and it showed up and we couldn't eat it but what was worse was that the woman that worked there was pure evil. she asked us if we knew where we would be staying and we weren't sure so she began telling us about places to stay and seemed like she wanted to help us out so she said she would call around to a few places and found us a room for 100 dollars at a motel down the street- but she must have been getting a cut of the money because there is NO WAY a place around this dump hole could charge that much money. Her restaurant was disgusting and she was disgusting.

We ended up leaving and eating somewhere else and staying at a hotel we picked ourselves and it is not that bad- actually its one of the nicer places we've stayed on this trip.

I am tired- long day...but beautiful. I can't wait to come back her e with matt.

traveling isn't so bad- the dessert of New Mexico are shaping up to be beautiful red platos. Spending yesterday underground at 750 ft at Carlsbad Caverns was awesome, as well as watching 200,000 bats fly out of a cave at dusk.

working too isn't so bad, there is much to be done and we are ready for change, we have too many problems in this country that are not being taken care of- we are going to get everyone together to work on getting our country back on track.

the company though, has its moments. i have to take deep breaths and ask God for humility. who am i to judge others in this manner? this is a lesson in patience.

My grandmother passed away. Waves of sadness, relief, guilt, anger, contentment, nausea, and blah have rolled around inside me taking turns emerging at the surface.

Sadness for me, my mom, my family, and then, more sadness for me. It wasn’t until we were at the church and the Indian priest was talking about how our family was blessed to have my grandfather and grandmother together as God and family loving and community conscious heads of our nineteen grandchildrened family, that all the events of the past few days, the words spoken, the crying, and the memories of Nana came together is a mushy ball of love, sadness and fear. What would a world without Nana be like? Where would I go to find genuine concern, unconditional love, kindness, gracefulness, peacefulness, lovingness, joy, humility, wisdom, and God? I just remember at that moment intensely missing her, knowing nothing would be the same.

Relief that she wasn’t in pain anymore.

Guilt for being relieved that my mom would have some time to herself and for all the times I was insignificantly too busy to give Nana five more minutes.

Anger for people being so petty when being petty is stupidly time consuming and for being sucked into it. That’s not what Nana would do. Anger at my family for being crazy. Anger at myself for being even slightly concerned about being able to ask for something that was once Nana’s.

Contentment when I was with Matt…for having him around, for his love, for making me occasionally forget why I was home. Thank you for that my love.

Nausea for seeing my precious, beautiful grandmother at her most vulnerable, watching her wither away to nothing, dying while we ate in the next room.

Blah for not knowing what to do with myself and all these emotions, for my happy childhood memories of waking up in her house, for all the time we no longer have to sit in her kitchen and eat almond butter on rice cakes with fresh fruit and sesame seeds, drinking tea and chatting about what we plan to do to help save the world.

How was she always so kind? She never uttered or even thought mean words, she never lost her temper. She wasn’t naive, but innocent. Is that what happens when you live your whole life by God’s rules? Probably. She had peace and grace, and like my uncle said, she always knew how to make you feel special. Her eyes were kind and knowing, wise and compassionate. Her words were thoughtful and healing, gentle and calming. She was a saint amongst us- hot tempered, quick tongued, sometime thoughtless and selfish beings. I will miss having her world as a part of mine, I will miss her hugs and kisses, the peacefulness of her heart and her home, I will miss the life she created that I was blessed to be born into, but most of all, I will just miss her.

She is the example I have to live my life by. Thank you, Nana. I love you too too much and to the google power.

So here I am. I once lived in China for a few months and I could never understand culture shock until I had lived there over a month, then it started to sink in, and I understood. Just two days ago I was ranting about moving equipment, having no personal space, being totally frustrated at work, constantly moving and being in another state, but truly feeling appreciated and making a difference in the world, to being home, where nothing has changed except my wonderful grandmother is dying slowly in her bed.

She had a wonderful life and has been one of the greatest inspirations for mine. I have never known a world without Nana. I came home to be with her and my family. And I have strange mixed emotions about being home, it is like culture shock. I went from having worldly concerns, a life on the road, without family and friend drama, without household chores and responsibilities to this...

I was growing, and learning, and being a part of something larger then myself, to coming home, and just being myself, in the small parameter that is me when I am home.

But about Nana, she was so peaceful, gentle, loving, kind spirited, and open minded. She loved her husband, her family, the world, and Jesus. I always said that every one should at least once make a pilgrimage in their lifetime to meet Nana. Maybe it was because of her way of always making you feel special and loved, maybe it was her words of wisdom, and her pleasant conversations, maybe it was her expectations about the pure and goodness that was in each of us that we wanted to live up too that made being with Nana so great, or maybe it was just her ability to laugh and have a good time, to keep our whole family together at holidays and often just because, or maybe it was her love of the world and her desire to act that inspired me and others to be whatever it is the world needed most. There will never be enough words to describe the love that Nana gave to each of us unconditionally that I wish to express.

All I can say is thank you, I will always hold your love in my heart, I will miss you and think of you often, and most importantly, I love you too too much and to the google power.

"Cosa que a mattinia a la viva" Things happen to those who are alive.

The spelling is probably wrong, but the message is the same. Two things happened this morning, my love for matt was reaffirmed and i spoke with my dying grandmother.

The rollercoaster continues...

working, working...

i am tired. I need a nap and I need to snuggle.

I'm always thinking of you......

it has been a strange turn of events. we are staying at a woman's house. her name is Janet and she is me in another life. really into holistic healing, giving, and totally tapped into the spiritual world (the only one that truly exists). Our conversation tonight: the world is just God's thought, on a particle level, atoms are made up of mostly space, just god's brain waves. and our world is what we think, we create our own reality but even more we can change others.

We all have a path in life. Let there be light.

i think i am too tired to rant and make sense. We may be hiring a full time blogger he's only a few years older then myself, really creative, he's got some good ideas, but i think that my boss doesn't want to do something catchy or gimichy caus he's not like that- but it turns heads and gets the masses to at least look, even for a second...and we could use that.

what am i doing here?

I'm glad that I am learning from these people but this isn't how I would do things and i am bitter that i am not getting paid for this and that i work 15 hour days and have shit to show for it. i'm so pissed right now. Is this all I am worth?

what the fuck.

long, long day....instead of site seeing as promised we worked. But i am not upset about it, I expected it. Learned not too get too excited, not to count my chickens before they hatch this way I don't get disappointed. Learned that the hard way. And learning not to be expectant of things and wishing are not the same thing. I still wish for things, and hope for them, but I don't expect them. Well, that's not true, I do expect certain things, but they are simple things, like phone calls and chocolate. it that too much to ask for?

Today was a good day. I set up all the equipment myself and it worked! even better I learned something new today and did it so well, I impressed our technician. Ha ha!!

Well, it hasn't been all rosy (even though I did get a rose today, wow that's random) I still have a little resentment that I could not perform my job well enough so much so that I was replaced - so i am working without getting paid- all my expenses for this trip are being paid for, but i work overtime and I feel, well, I'm not sure. I am learning some pretty cool stuff and am seeing the country the only was you should- by meeting the locals, I just wish I'd have a little cash to show for it. Speaking of cash though I am not the only one that seems to be running out. long story.

New rant- I really wish that my boss would not just listen to my ideas but act on them. I see that we need to do something different. Why are we losing volunteers? people are going to go where they feel most effective. I just think that people leave our meetings and go home thinking ok that was nice but now what? i know what that now what is- but that information can't be used until we finalize some other details. Maybe i am not the one to do it, but for this organization to survive, it needs to be done.

Oh, and today I saw a beautiful little yellow bird with some black on its wings. I think I know what is was, but I can't spell it, it sounds like Oreil?Oreo? I only know one person that would know what kind of bird that was. love love

Have you ever found yourself in a moment where you realize yourself as a spiritual being? And I don't mean like when you actively seek to pray to be spiritual. Today we were discussing our next steps and the possible outcomes of such events and it just hit me. I wasn't looking for it, nor expecting it, but there it was. We were not seeking nor searching, but being. I really feel that as strange and difficult this all is to me, I am being. I'm in awe of what we can do.

Doing the right thing is good for the soul. It's everything else around it that's stressful.

I feel much calmer today and almost silly for getting so worked up- how true is Murphy's Law!

I learned another lesson this week as well- do the best you can and trust God- because worrying got me no where, in fact, worrying clouded my concentration. I was so worried about not learning the equipment that it took longer for me to figure it out. The beginning of this tour was/and still is rough, but I feel more sure of everything today. Now just what do I do about road food? I've been eating processed muffins for breakfast from our complimentary breakfast and fake coffee.

Maybe it’s because yesterday my boss realized my gift- public speaking and people relationships. He said, you have a gift (from God, he gives everyone gifts). And know that he knows, I feel more comfortable and relaxed being behind the camera instead of in front.

It is now time to reach out to others and bring them on board. But for now...

A question for you:

What is time?

Are we only what we think we are?

If i think it, is that all I am? It worries me that I have nothing but questions and no answers. I am questioning my capabilities. I have all these questions about myself, about who I am and what my purpose is. With all these questions, I am like a tumbleweed, blowing back and forth with changes in the wind.

Why am I so afraid of being stronger?

Why do I almost want this to fail? I really feel like I can do this, that I am capable of doing what I see others doing, what i should have been doing. But i see the chain of command and see that I have little wiggle room to be free to do what I think needs to get done. or is that just an excuse?

What I see is a man who is willing to move forward because he has a vision, a goal, a purpose and even with all the hardships we are having, he is willing to put his faith in others to get this tour pulled off. In some way, he seems capable of letting others work but at the same time is very controlling, or is it he's just on top of things? i think it is a little bit of both. He is willing to push forward. He must because it is his purpose and without pushing forward, maybe he has nothing? I feel torn, but without commitment, I am without a home.

I suppose that my purpose right now is to learn from those around me and keep peace within even though everything around me is a whirlwind of chaos. This tour is really stretching me.

I just feel strange at the moment. I am not unhappy, I am not sad. I just feel strange.

I know, I saw this poster in my boss' office:

RISK:
You can't discover new oceans until you are willing to lose sight of the shore.

Maybe I am just losing site of the shore, and I am a little apprehensive about this.

I am discovering new oceans...

finally an answer

HAPPY 4th of JULY!!!!! Today was an interesting, frustrating, trying, peaceful, and spiritual day. what a ride.

I think I learned something tonight. Working under extreme conditions (with equipment I don't know, under pressure, with an uptight/nervous boss, in a public setting, and with layers and layers of resentment towards him and myself, if I want to be honest), I've learned two things, which is cool because sometimes I don't even remember to look back on the day to see if I had learned anything new at all.

One: Tonight was a lesson in giving. God may not have gifted me with understanding of electronics, but he did gift me with understanding, and if dealing with equipment is what I need to do, then I'll learn to be good at it, then great at it. Who knows, I may want to know how to do this some day.

Two: Tonight was a lesson in thankfulness...for headphones. I don't know if you can imagine what it is like to ride in a vehicle with three senior citizens who like to listen to themselves talk- and get way too worked up about stupidly ridicules things, I mean for men that are so concerned about saving our country from total chaos, they can get way too worked up over when to pull over andget something to eat. thank you headphones, thank you for being here for me when I need my own space.

I need this so badly for my own well being. For the moment, this blog is going to serve as my rants about my job and living on the road for the next 70 or so days. I am not physically alone, but I feel lonely (and it's only been 3 days into the tour!). I have my boyfriend back home, but I feel bad calling him and spewing all my negative energy on him- that's not what he's for, that's what this is for.

My boss is extremely particular, nervous, super anal about details, and extremely (extremely) impatient, but a visionary and a real man, true to his word with core values, and I know if I wasn't working for him, lovable. Right now though, I want to stick an I.V. in him filled with some sort of tranquillizer. He gets upset too easily and needs to relax. He huffs and sighs and says "Gosh darn it." I'm trying to put into words exactly what it is--it's strange because he thinks highly of people and expects nothing but excellence from every one. Then he gets frustrated easily when people don't live up to his unrealistic expectations and even though you know there is no way you could possibly do what he expects in the time allotted- you almost feel bad that you couldn't get it done.

I'll be back to continue this- but I have to start unloading equipment...