So i haven't written in a while, but then again much hasn't been going on. i am a little drunk at the moment, trying to motivate myself to become more then what I currently am- and no i do not think that drinking is going to help that in any way, but at the moment, it doesn't hurt.

maybe it is living on the island? but i know that if i psychoanalyze, it is from within. and maybe it is not within per say i need to look but to God who is within and without. i have been reading the bible and going to church and reading self-help books and what not but i hear these conflicting things about what it is that God wants from or for us. God wants you to be happy so follow your dreams and God will help you. God does not want you to follow your dreams, he wants you to do what will be pleasing to him, because your life is not your own.

so which is it? either way, i don’t think i have a problem with it. i have experienced real joy and it came when i was doing something for the greater good, something i knew was right to do, but i didn't feel like doing it and did it anyway. that was real joy and i miss it. at the same time though, that kind of joy doesn't come easy and the people i usually relied on to help me get to that point are dead or busy. so it really has to come from within and i don't know if i have it right now. i have a little fear and it is slowing me down. i don’t want to say it is stopping me because negativity doesn't help anyone.