Finally that spiritual connection I needed. I have been feeling spiritually lonely lately, like no one else gets it but me. In this age of technology we do more talking to people rather then with people, like this blog for example. no interaction just me writing.

but there are people out there who tune you into the spiritual world that is always there, that we look for whether we know we are looking for it or not, and reawakens you.

I wish it was as easy as walking up to someone and just saying to them "wake up" and poof, they could see what you see and beyond, see the spiritual word, where there is more then guns and war, money and daily concerns but a connection that transcends those things, where no words can describe it- but you know it is true and right.

Do you ever end up talking to someone and think to yourself- I’m supposed to be talking to this person?

So i haven't written in a while, but then again much hasn't been going on. i am a little drunk at the moment, trying to motivate myself to become more then what I currently am- and no i do not think that drinking is going to help that in any way, but at the moment, it doesn't hurt.

maybe it is living on the island? but i know that if i psychoanalyze, it is from within. and maybe it is not within per say i need to look but to God who is within and without. i have been reading the bible and going to church and reading self-help books and what not but i hear these conflicting things about what it is that God wants from or for us. God wants you to be happy so follow your dreams and God will help you. God does not want you to follow your dreams, he wants you to do what will be pleasing to him, because your life is not your own.

so which is it? either way, i don’t think i have a problem with it. i have experienced real joy and it came when i was doing something for the greater good, something i knew was right to do, but i didn't feel like doing it and did it anyway. that was real joy and i miss it. at the same time though, that kind of joy doesn't come easy and the people i usually relied on to help me get to that point are dead or busy. so it really has to come from within and i don't know if i have it right now. i have a little fear and it is slowing me down. i don’t want to say it is stopping me because negativity doesn't help anyone.

A dear friend of mine left me a nice comment to continue to write and it need not all be depressing. I think I hit rock bottom last night, so there is no where to go now but up.

Honestly, I always thought that I was ahead of the game because I have had mentors my whole life. Last night it finally hit me that for the first time ever, no one is paying attention to me, leading me in the right direction, that for once, and probably for the rest of my life, I get to make my own choices. Its exciting and scary at the same time and I hate to think about the fact that most people have lived without a mentor, let alone four, most or all of their lives, and have already began figuring things out for themselves, and I am just beginning. I thought I was ahead, HA, I was behind.

I cried about it last night, I am leaving that sheltered and directed life behind and today am starting a new one, my own.

Here I go.

My friend in Japan has inspired me to start writing again. I am no longer on the tour...Thank God? What began as a work trip ended up as a family vacation with me tagging along. It got awkward and then tense, so I left. Not on the best terms unfortunately and now I don't have a job. I can't start anything too serious right now because Matt and I are going on vacation in three weeks. So I am just kind of lolly gagging around, trying not to watch too much tv, its just too easy to zone out.

I am doing a few things that are good; I am working on my own business proposals and helping my lil sis with her own as well. I'll be headed to the library later, after my bike ride to the ocean.

i've been having bad dreams about alie, that i am yelling at her and telling her how much i hate her. but i don't hate her, just disappointed, but i think she will grow out of it.

we almost ate at the most disgusting restaurant tonight we ordered and it showed up and we couldn't eat it but what was worse was that the woman that worked there was pure evil. she asked us if we knew where we would be staying and we weren't sure so she began telling us about places to stay and seemed like she wanted to help us out so she said she would call around to a few places and found us a room for 100 dollars at a motel down the street- but she must have been getting a cut of the money because there is NO WAY a place around this dump hole could charge that much money. Her restaurant was disgusting and she was disgusting.

We ended up leaving and eating somewhere else and staying at a hotel we picked ourselves and it is not that bad- actually its one of the nicer places we've stayed on this trip.

I am tired- long day...but beautiful. I can't wait to come back her e with matt.

traveling isn't so bad- the dessert of New Mexico are shaping up to be beautiful red platos. Spending yesterday underground at 750 ft at Carlsbad Caverns was awesome, as well as watching 200,000 bats fly out of a cave at dusk.

working too isn't so bad, there is much to be done and we are ready for change, we have too many problems in this country that are not being taken care of- we are going to get everyone together to work on getting our country back on track.

the company though, has its moments. i have to take deep breaths and ask God for humility. who am i to judge others in this manner? this is a lesson in patience.

My grandmother passed away. Waves of sadness, relief, guilt, anger, contentment, nausea, and blah have rolled around inside me taking turns emerging at the surface.

Sadness for me, my mom, my family, and then, more sadness for me. It wasn’t until we were at the church and the Indian priest was talking about how our family was blessed to have my grandfather and grandmother together as God and family loving and community conscious heads of our nineteen grandchildrened family, that all the events of the past few days, the words spoken, the crying, and the memories of Nana came together is a mushy ball of love, sadness and fear. What would a world without Nana be like? Where would I go to find genuine concern, unconditional love, kindness, gracefulness, peacefulness, lovingness, joy, humility, wisdom, and God? I just remember at that moment intensely missing her, knowing nothing would be the same.

Relief that she wasn’t in pain anymore.

Guilt for being relieved that my mom would have some time to herself and for all the times I was insignificantly too busy to give Nana five more minutes.

Anger for people being so petty when being petty is stupidly time consuming and for being sucked into it. That’s not what Nana would do. Anger at my family for being crazy. Anger at myself for being even slightly concerned about being able to ask for something that was once Nana’s.

Contentment when I was with Matt…for having him around, for his love, for making me occasionally forget why I was home. Thank you for that my love.

Nausea for seeing my precious, beautiful grandmother at her most vulnerable, watching her wither away to nothing, dying while we ate in the next room.

Blah for not knowing what to do with myself and all these emotions, for my happy childhood memories of waking up in her house, for all the time we no longer have to sit in her kitchen and eat almond butter on rice cakes with fresh fruit and sesame seeds, drinking tea and chatting about what we plan to do to help save the world.

How was she always so kind? She never uttered or even thought mean words, she never lost her temper. She wasn’t naive, but innocent. Is that what happens when you live your whole life by God’s rules? Probably. She had peace and grace, and like my uncle said, she always knew how to make you feel special. Her eyes were kind and knowing, wise and compassionate. Her words were thoughtful and healing, gentle and calming. She was a saint amongst us- hot tempered, quick tongued, sometime thoughtless and selfish beings. I will miss having her world as a part of mine, I will miss her hugs and kisses, the peacefulness of her heart and her home, I will miss the life she created that I was blessed to be born into, but most of all, I will just miss her.

She is the example I have to live my life by. Thank you, Nana. I love you too too much and to the google power.

So here I am. I once lived in China for a few months and I could never understand culture shock until I had lived there over a month, then it started to sink in, and I understood. Just two days ago I was ranting about moving equipment, having no personal space, being totally frustrated at work, constantly moving and being in another state, but truly feeling appreciated and making a difference in the world, to being home, where nothing has changed except my wonderful grandmother is dying slowly in her bed.

She had a wonderful life and has been one of the greatest inspirations for mine. I have never known a world without Nana. I came home to be with her and my family. And I have strange mixed emotions about being home, it is like culture shock. I went from having worldly concerns, a life on the road, without family and friend drama, without household chores and responsibilities to this...

I was growing, and learning, and being a part of something larger then myself, to coming home, and just being myself, in the small parameter that is me when I am home.

But about Nana, she was so peaceful, gentle, loving, kind spirited, and open minded. She loved her husband, her family, the world, and Jesus. I always said that every one should at least once make a pilgrimage in their lifetime to meet Nana. Maybe it was because of her way of always making you feel special and loved, maybe it was her words of wisdom, and her pleasant conversations, maybe it was her expectations about the pure and goodness that was in each of us that we wanted to live up too that made being with Nana so great, or maybe it was just her ability to laugh and have a good time, to keep our whole family together at holidays and often just because, or maybe it was her love of the world and her desire to act that inspired me and others to be whatever it is the world needed most. There will never be enough words to describe the love that Nana gave to each of us unconditionally that I wish to express.

All I can say is thank you, I will always hold your love in my heart, I will miss you and think of you often, and most importantly, I love you too too much and to the google power.